today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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