I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
