I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
