i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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