She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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