my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Randomize
