Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
