I got chris browned last night
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
