Need sex. Gaining weight.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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