how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
