I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
