8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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