I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
