apparently the secret to your success is patron
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
