you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
