I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
