Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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