at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
