so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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