I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
