Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
