Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
