Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
