just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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