I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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