drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
