can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
this hospital has no fireball
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
