Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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