i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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