okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
