You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
