the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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