did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
