Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
