i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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