bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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