the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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