I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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