How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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