I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
