I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
