Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
