Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
