My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
