trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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