It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
