First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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