I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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