I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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