I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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