Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
