Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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