Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My pussy is not your playground.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen