just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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