Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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