I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
