dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
