I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
