I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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