if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
this boner is exhausting
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
